Four months ago today I got a text from my mom saying her gastroenterologist was sending her to the ER for a CT scan. Four months ago today I sat on a hospital bed and my mom told my brother and I she had ovarian cancer. Four months ago today my sister and I got trapped in the service elevator when we tried to go outside to call our husbands and then it was 9pm when we came back in and we needed an ID to get back in and our IDs were in our mom’s hospital room. Four months ago today our lives changed forever. So what have we done in those four months. Taken advantage of every damn second we can. We have gone to  the drive in, out to dinner, volleyball games, and the pumpkin patch. We have over analyzed every scenario of how this could play out. We have sat in waiting rooms together and cried together and said horribly morbid things together. We have laughed at the horribly morbid things we have said. We have watched Harry Potter and the band and sat in the sunroom on a nice day. And as the holidays approach and so does chemo we will continue to be together.

What’s next (said in the voice of President Bartlet)….more chemo. Yesterday she met with her doctor and got a chemo start date…week of October 31st. She has 6 more blood clot shots left. And it will either be 3 or 6 cycles of chemo. So either 9 or 18 weeks.  Because the holiday season is approaching she will be going through chemo during that time. And the doctor said something interesting that next Christmas she should be feeling much better. And while nobody can predict the future it was very nice to hear that he thinks that she has a NEXT….

Last night my phone rang and it was my mom.  She saw a post on Facebook about a child abductor and she wanted to remind me to make sure all my windows and doors were locked.  She sounded like herself and I forgot.  I forgot about the cancer and the surgery. And it’s funny because earlier that day I saw that very post and I thought mom is going to worry when she sees this. And I guess I’m just so thankful to still get those phone calls.  The worried mom calls and I guess I just really appreciate the small things like this.

And I haven’t wanted to write anything lately. Probably because I didn’t know what I wanted to say. I didn’t know what I wanted to share. Life after surgery is….I don’t know. I’m praying a lot I guess. I pray at night that she gets a glimpse of a good day. I hold onto the things like she was able to go on a walk or maybe eat a bit more. I hold onto the fact that she no longer has those nasty masses in her. I hold onto the fact that she is still healing and went through a major surgery so the healing process is going to take a while. And I guess now I hold onto that I can still get a phone call reminding me to lock my windows and doors.

Julian spent 4 days in the special care unit when he was born. When the hospital finally said we could take him home my husband and I looked at each and thought  like most new parents: 1) I can’t believe they’re letting us take him home and 2) what do we do now? 

I felt a similar feeling today and I think the feeling was somewhat mutual between the 5 of us. My mom got the all clear to go home today and while she is a strong grown woman it still made us all a bit nervous. She had been in the hospital for 5 days if you count surgery day. And for those 5 days her vitals have been checked and she has been monitored during that time. She was suppose to be in the hospital for about 7, so it was a big shock when they said she would be discharged today. 

So while it is absolutely wonderful she got to go home today it’s still a bit scary. None of us are in the medical field and there was a list of things to keep an eye out for that would require a phone call and blood clot shots. So as always we will just take it one day at a time and today she went home. 

Today was one hell of a day. Currently I feel like a zombie. I feel emotionally drained and extremely thankful. Thankful that she made it through her 5 & a half hour surgery. Thankful the doctors took their time and were thorough. And thankful for all the family and friends that have reached out to us. That have prayed for her and checked for updates and made sure we felt loved today and any day since this all began. 

I feel scared and overwhelmed. Tomorrow is surgery day and while am incredibly grateful she can have surgery it is scary. We didn’t prepare for this. We tried to prepare for a no but we didn’t think about the yes. And while the surgery has been scheduled for 10am tomorrow that is pretty much the only thing we know. 

We don’t know how long it will take or how long she will be in the hospital because the surgeon doesn’t know. He can only tell so much from a CT scan and said he won’t know how extensive the surgery will be until he opens her up. Which isn’t super reassuring but my parents said he seemed positive when he spoke to them, which is good. 

Today didn’t feel real. Today is my parents 31st wedding anniversary and they’re really staying true to that whole sick and health vow. They spent the day together bouncing around from pre op appointment to pre op appointment. My siblings and I sat in the waiting room when she met with her doctor to get the final word. A nurse told her we looked very nervous in the waiting room. We were. So I will just cling to my guardian of strength bracelet extra tight tonight as my mom goes into battle tomorrow. 

When they say two weeks do they mean two weeks from the exact day. Or is it more of an estimation. These are life changing results so I wish they would be more specific. Because today is two weeks since my genetic counseling appointment and I would really like to just know. I want to rip the band aid off and know if I have this gene mutation.  I’d like to just get the show on the road and do whatever needs to be done to prevent getting cancer. Because I can’t wonder for another second. I’ve had enough wondering. It’s bad enough having to wonder if your mom can get surgery. Waiting waiting waiting that’s all we can do. Blah.

*UPDATE*  on September 29th I received the call that I did not have the BRCA2 mutation

We are standing at a fork in the road.  One path is surgery and the other is this stupid thing is inoperable.  Either way after this week life changes again.  Oh how I despise change.

The big scan is here. I remember walking into my parents house about a week after chemo starting and my mom telling me the hospital called and scheduled a scan and surgery. My stomach dropped but it felt far away then. I wrote the dates down and it’s been in the back of my head popping in when people would ask how she was doing. My reply always included we should know more after her scan on September 26th.

We as a family have been planning for the results of the scan. Analyzing different scenarios. Like if it’s inoperable. Would they call? They wouldn’t make her do pre op, would they? Wouldn’t that be expensive? What are our work schedules on Wednesday? Who will ride with who? If she has surgery will it be the second one of the day? How long will surgery take? How long will she be in the hospital? We are playing guessing games down to the hour of surgery. Why…probably because we are a bunch of control freaks and probably because we are 5 people that were blindsided 3 months ago and so we want to be prepared. So now we wait…

The band is why the 3 of us exist. When my parents were in their early 20s they both traveled to Daytona Beach, FL for spring break. My mom traveling with a group of girlfriends and my dad band with his band. Somewhere along the way they crossed paths and it turned out they were both from Ohio. Eventually they began dating, fell in love and had 3 wonderful children. My siblings and I grew up listening to the band. We would go to festivals and watch them play. We would get brought up on stage to sing when they played Brown Eyed Girl. There are about 20 songs from the 80s & 90s that I have no idea who truly sings them.  But whenever one of those songs come on the radio I always think of the band.

Tonight the 8 of us (my parents, my siblings, my husband, my sister’s husband and Julian) went and watched the band. Well 7 of us watched. My brother actually played the guitar and was a member of the band for the evening. It was strange yet comforting.  Strange in the sense we have spent a majority of our time together confined to my parents house for the past couple months so venturing out is such a different experience lately.  And it was comforting because we were outside listening to voices we’ve heard sing songs a million times.  I find now I look for the comfort in things like this.  In the familiar places that bring me back to my childhood when life was just a simpler time and we were just 3 kids listening to their dad’s band.

I am not an athlete by any means (that’s a whole other blog). But I can’t help but feel like next week is our bye week before the big game aka surgery. On June 24th she was diagnosed and from that day on it has been go go go. Appointments and chemo and unexpected things every week. It’s like every week was another game and every week she has given it her all and kicked ass. And we have just kind of been her cheerleaders on the sidelines trying to root her on.

Today we found out next week there is nothing. She was suppose to have an appointment Monday but they canceled it because there wasn’t anything new to discuss. So for the next 10 days maybe we can just kind of be people. For the next week maybe we can all take a deep breath and not think as much. And maybe, just maybe, she will have some energy and finally paint that damn crown molding she keeps talking about.

*SIDE NOTE* She was laying in a hospital bed on June 25th, with an IV in her arm, hadn’t eaten in over 24 hrs and just found out she had cancer and she says “I just want to feel better so I can paint the crown molding” and we all just laughed.