Our Songs

She has songs for the 3 of songs. So many songs. They span throughout our lives. Those songs are a gift. To listen to them and know how she felt about us. Songs about heartache and triumph. Songs that can bring us back to a moment in time. Which brings me to today.

Today is Julian’s opening day for baseball. Back in March I had a dream about mom. In that dream she asked when Julian’s baseball started. I told her April (that’s when practice started). She told me she was sorry she wouldn’t be there. And I told her it was okay. It would be hard but it would be okay.

Julian didn’t play baseball last year due to the pandemic so this is his first game since she passed.

So this morning I’m driving and mentally deciding if I’m going to write this blog post about experiencing new firsts without her as the world opens back up. And on the radio I hear Pink sing the word “Renegade” which was mom’s nickname for Julian. And as I continue to listen it’s this beautiful song about resilience and she sings the word “baby girl” referring to a daughter and it concludes with “I will be with you”. The song is “All I Know So Far”.

Even in the afterlife we are getting songs. Message received mom. You are with us. 💜

Both Can Be True

Something I learned from when I went to therapy years ago is that emotions can coexist even if they are conflicting emotions.

Today I was at CVS getting batteries and when I looked around I was surrounded by people with pink envelopes and flowers. A young girl coming in with her dad. An older lady checking out at the register. A young boy and his dad picking up pictures.

On my drive home I thought about the fact that I am beyond thankful to be a mother while I am also heartbroken to not be with my own mom on Mother’s Day.

There was an Instagram ad for a necklace for a grandmother with the birthstones of her grandkids. And my initial thought was what a beautiful gift and then my second thought was I have no one to gift this to. Normally B, Lex and I would be texting each other trying to figure out what to give mom because what do you give the woman that has everything. It would end up being Tito’s and flowers.

Last week Julian came up to me and hugged me and asked if I was going to be okay with Mother’s Day approaching and it touched my heart. And then he told me if I wanted I could buy him something since Mimi was in heaven and I laughed so hard.

So this Mother’s Day I am going to honor both the feelings of gratitude for my son while mourning the loss of my own mom because both can be true. 💜

Also…Julian wrote something for school and one of the lines was “My mom is as pretty as a dog”. So there’s that.