When my Papa Joe died he took Papa’s Cheese with him. It’s been almost 22 years and I have no idea what kind of cheese Papa’s Cheese was and it was delicious. My Grandma Carole took her sugar cookies with her. We have the recipe and we can never make them like she did.

A week after mom died (still so weird to say that) or maybe the week of. I don’t know it all kind of runs together. Anyways dad got a taste for spaghetti sauce. And I could not remember what the second green spice mom put in the sauce was. I could remember oregano but not the other. Dad thought maybe basil but that didn’t sound right. And then I thought maybe thyme and that didn’t quite seem right either. We found Grandma Dar’s old recipe which mom adapted into her own and it listed parsley. So maybe parsley was it. But we will never truly know because we can’t ask her. And that’s really hard.

Mom had planned for her death for a very long time. Really since her diagnosis. So she told us a lot of things and I would write it down but there were things I didn’t write down. Like she told me there was something at some point in the armoire but I can’t remember what. I thought she had written in the front cover of “On The Night You Were Born” for Julian and Jaxon but I guess she didn’t. And I thought at some point she bought birthday cards for either me or Lex & B because they share a birthday month and she plans ahead. But I can’t remember when she said that. It may have been last year and she lived so maybe we already got the cards.

Anyways this is just a long winded way of saying I’ve got questions and the lady with the answers is up in heaven.

Also if someone tells you something type it into the notes section of your phone. You’ll thank yourself later.

I’ve written 5 blog posts within the past week that are just sitting in my drafts. They are all versions of the same. Something happens and I miss my mom. Julian lost a tooth, Jaxon is taking steps and Brandon has a new song out and about a million other things we want to tell her. Julian tells me she knows and she sees it all. He is a wise 6 year old and his kind heart is his saving grace when we are arguing about schoolwork. And that reminds me of mom. Everyday the last couple weeks of her life I would leave to go do schoolwork with Julian. And when I would get back she would ask how it went (not well). And she would smile and say “he’s just like your brother” and go back to sleep.

Everyday is about the same. Moments where I’m busy and I forget. And then moments where I’m sad and I remember. And then there is nighttime. Like it’s 1:15am and that’s when I write. Because I can’t sleep. Because I just sit here and think “I can’t believe she’s gone”. And I really can’t. I sit here and think of how permanent this is. And that when I go to the house tomorrow she still isn’t going to be there. And it’s just the strangest thing.

I’m lost. I’m lost in two different ways. My therapist once told me that a piece of me would die when my mom died. And this is true. There is a hole in my heart. But there is also a hole in my brain.

I spent nearly 4 years worrying about her. Worrying about whether chemo was working and blood counts and surgery and whether she would and when she would die. And now she’s gone. And there’s this hole in my brain that was occupied with this constant worrying and it doesn’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do.

The last few weeks of her life were truly heartbreaking. To watch the strongest person you know lose every last bit of their independence is devastating. She was a lawn mowing, room painting, remove a railing while her husband was at work force of nature. And to watch her frustration as she couldn’t take a sip of water was devastating. And the mental aspect became just as hard as she didn’t know the word for water or even at points that it was me sitting with her.

So yes, when I write those things or say those things I am relieved for her that she is no longer suffering. I’m just not quite sure what to do.

I read our old texts. And I read our family group texts. As I do I can hear voice. And it makes me smile and it makes me laugh because she was funny. And I’m sharing all of this because I know I’m not alone in feeling this way. And I know if she could she would be texting me and say maybe you should try writing a blog like she had so many times before.

This is the blog I never wanted to write and yesterday was a day I never wanted to live. I am heartbroken to share that yesterday Mom passed away. It honestly feels so strange to even type those words. Just as it feels insane to me to wake up this morning and know she’s no longer here. And I know she’s in a better place and I know it’s better that she’s not suffering. But I just miss her so much.

Today I looked down at mom as she laid in bed and told her I was sorry that she was going through this. She looked up at me and said “It’s ok honey, there are people that have it worse”. She hasn’t eaten in days and needs assistance doing basic tasks and yet she’s still thinking of others.

I don’t know why I’m surprised though. That’s how she has been through this whole thing. Don’t get me wrong she’s cried and been upset. But somehow she would always dig her way out. So many of her doctors and nurses over the past few years have complimented her sense of humor and the way she’s handled all of this.

She is amazing. And she would want you to know my dad is amazing too. She has dubbed him Superman over these past couple months. And he truly has been.

Thank you for all your love and prayers! 💜