48 hours ago we were trick or treating at the Magic Kingdom …the happiest place on earth.  Right now, right now I have puffy burning eyes from crying.  How could I be crying after we just back from a magical trip to Disney with my parents?  A phone call…a phone call is how. Mom told her nurse that she was taking a trip to Disney with her daughter and grandson.  Mom’s nurse said she wanted to call mom on Thursday when we got back.  Well we are back and apparently so is mom’s cancer.  I don’t know if it was ever gone to begin with.  Her CA125 that was once below 35 is now climbing and above that 0-35 standard.

So what’s next..more blood work and a CT scan…I’ve been trying to end these things with some sort of positive thoughts or take away and I’m sure if I tried I could.  But honestly I don’t feel like it.  So here’s a happy picture instead…

When I started this blog it was a place to let my true emotions out. A place I could vent and not make anyone feel like they had to comfort me because my feelings were pretty dark and I didn’t want to burden anyone with replying to a text message with so much anger. If you read any of my early posts they’re pretty dark. 

My friend Amber was the only person that knew about the blog for weeks. And even so I would write posts and save them to the drafts because I was afraid of putting how I felt out into the universe. I remember one day she texted me asking why I hadn’t posted in a while and I told her I was writing but didn’t feel it was good enough. I then gained the courage to publish the posts. I told my family about the blog and then more friends and then it just grew. It became a place for my emotions as well as a place for people to find out how Mom was doing. 

Why am I sharing all of this? Because I feel conflicted. Mom started her PARP inhibitor a week ago. The first few days were smooth sailing. Even though we knew people typically need dosage adjustments I think we felt like she was breezing through. That was until she was 3-4 days in. She started experiencing some gastrointestinal stuff and it felt like it was happening again. Not cancer but just watching someone you love injest poison to stay alive and not feel great because of it. 

And here is where my conflict lies…I feel totally and completely unappreciative vocalizing any of this. We have been given gifts that most people don’t get. The past 4 months have been a dream. Our holidays this past year were magical. So part of me feels like I’m just sounding ungrateful. But this blog is therapeutic for me. And so I must say what I feel and that is…it totally and completely sucks watching someone you love begin to suffer. 

It’s no where close to where it was before. But I think after you go through what we’ve been through there is that fear of it getting back to that place. 

BUT we have a silver lining. These meds can be adjusted. There are MANY dosage modifications that can be made and this isn’t the end but just the beginning. So we will keep our heads up and focus on the fact that adjustments can be made. As always thank you for the love and prayers and thinking of us!