This Is Us

Next week is a week full of triggers. It’s not just the fact that Halloween is coming which if you knew mom she was the Queen of Halloween.

Tuesday is the season premiere of This Is Us which feels very triggering for me. Sure I’m going to miss watching the show with mom. We watched it every Tuesday together and if we didn’t watch it together we would text about it. But starting a show without her is nothing new. I have had to go through three housewife franchise seasons without her.

But This Is Us is different because I can remember vividly the night we watched the season finale together. It was March 24th and I know this because that was the last solo text exchange we ever had. That was the last night she was ever in the first floor of her beautiful home. That was the night that I knew it was the last time we would we would ever watch this show together. And with the exception of some New Amsterdam reruns while she laid in bed that was the last time we ever watched TV together.

And this may sound crazy to focus so much about watching TV with someone. But it was one of OUR things. Something that simply can’t be replaced. The bond we had of over analyzing fictional characters and housewives. It was our fun and way we would escape from our own reality and honestly I miss it a lot.

Six Months

It has been six months since mom died. I have cooked, I have arranged flowers, I have obsessively painted my nails and then anxiously peeled the polish off. I have laughed. I have felt numb. I have felt the unbearable weight of my grief.

I have reread text messages just to feel like we are having a conversation again. Moms go to phrase was “ok honey” and I have texts on my phone dating back to July 2018 so I simply type “ok honey” into the search bar and pick a date and go back in time.

I now listen to yoga nidra guided meditation every night to relax and fall asleep and thankfully it works even if I need to work through it twice.

I have recounted her death so many times to really anyone who listens (apologies to anyone who had to suffer through it) but I feel like it’s what my brain needs in the moment so thank you to anyone who has listened to me tell it.

I miss her everyday and the degree of which I miss her changes. Somedays I’m doing so well that in that moment I feel something might be wrong with me and then sure enough with time the major wave of grief crashes. I know everyone’s grief looks different but this is a snapshot of what mine has looked like these past 6 months. With cancer it was a rollercoaster but there was always opportunity for change so the permanence of all of this weighs heavy.

I am thankful for my sweet Julian who has helped me more than he will ever realize. And I am thankful for my dad, lex and B and all the people that have shown us so much love.