Always Changing

If I’ve learned anything this year it’s that things are constantly changing whether it be good or bad. I have to admit I’ve always been quite the pessimist. I had this notion that if things were going too well for me something bad was inevitably lurking in the shadows. My therapist had identified this as automatic negative thoughts or ANTS. 

We have gone through so many changes this year. A rollercoaster of emotions and experiences ranging from good to bad and everything in between. And this has allowed me to view things in a different way. The bad can be just as temporary as the good.  A happy day or experience could be lurking in the shadows and I take great comfort in that. 

If I look back on this blog and the experiences I’ve written about there were times we were in a dark place and there are posts after that where we are enjoying a wonderful moment. 

Today mom was supposed to start cycle 2 for this course but her platelets were too low. Two months ago this may have caused me to panic. We went through an entire month without her getting chemo and she survived. Her chemo kept working after that and her CA125 is now down to 23. 

So today they decided to adjust her protocol once again so she is able to have quality. One week of a double of chemo and then two weeks off. So that’s the plan. At some point when her counts recover she will have two more chemos and then her scan. As for this week we continue to live our lives and enjoy the sunshine. 

Thank You Mom

Let’s just start with thank you for choosing to spend your spring break at Daytona Beach and meeting dad because had you not made that choice I would not exist. So thank you!

Thank you for giving me two siblings to share the good times and bad, to annoy, to get annoyed with and to love. You gave us a bond that can’t be broken. 

Thank you for making sure we always knew the importance of family. 

Thank you for always telling me I’m beautiful. 

Thank you for encouraging me to go away to college. Had I not I wouldn’t have grown as a person, met my husband or have my Juju buggy. 

Thank you for watching Julian for a little over two years and towards the end of the second year when your abdomin was filled with cancer and we didn’t know it.

Thank you for always telling me I’m a good mom especially when Julian is acting crazy and I feel like I’m failing. 

Thank you for standing up out of your hospital bed like a champ the day after your surgery. I wish you would’ve seen the nurse’s face. Watching you get up and walk made me more proud than words can say. You are incredible. 

Thank you for always reminding us even through the hard times that there is someone out there who has it worse and try to make sure we have grateful hearts even though it’s hard sometimes. 

Thank you for choosing to seek a second opinion and opting to do chemo and putting your mind and body through everything you have over the past 11 months. Today could’ve been a very different day. 

I am beyond thankful that I get to tell you Happy Mother’s Day! I love you and thank you for everything you have done and everything you continue to do!

Moving Right Along

Today mom had chemo and for the first time ever I forgot.  I have anxiously awaited chemo update text messages every Monday or Tuesday since July 19. And today I forgot she even had chemo.  Last week just felt so normal after receiving positive news about her scan.  We ate dinner outside one night and watched the NFL draft and had our Friday night dinner.  We spoke of cancer but not as much as we’ve been and we barely mentioned death (we’re a morbid bunch). So I forgot.

And then I looked down at my phone today and I had texts from my dad and mom.  At this point I feel like I’m bragging because the good news keeps rolling in.  Mom was able to have chemo today.  She wasn’t able to last week because her WBC count was too low, so they gave her some shots and it boosted right up.  Her platelets were also good which is a nice way to start a cycle because the platelets really take a hit with one of her drugs.  And the best news of all…CA125 of 35.  Yes folks, I said 35.  And if you remember from my million other previous blogs 35 and under is considered normal.  We have waited 10 months to see that number.

I am not naive and I know she has ovarian cancer and that there will be more bumps in the road.  But today I am soaking it in.  Today I am enjoying that fact that for a bit we may get a break from being scared. We are blessed, we are grateful and we are moving along in the right direction.

** 35 was her CA125 from 4/20/17, they did another draw today and we just found out she’s down to 29**

Now I really feel like I’m bragging…