There has been a lot of talk of death and dying this week. We did a lot of this talk in the beginning when she was first diagnosed and then we kind of stopped. But now as we are approaching her scan and doctors appointment it’s kind of ramped up again.  I think we are all just scared that the doctor will tell us surgery is not an option and we are trying to be prepared. I’ve got a notebook going with her wishes. Two days ago I told her she could haunt me as a ghost. We laugh and cry. But we’re trying our hardest to laugh. To make twisted jokes. Because the reality of all of this is too painful. 

On June 25th the 5 of us sat in a hospital room waiting for doctors to come in and tell us more about my mom’s ovarian cancer. With each Doctor the news got a little worse. The final doctor came in and told us without chemotherapy AND surgery she would have about 6 months. I am aware that is just an estimation and they don’t really know when anyone will die. But six months from that day is Christmas. 

Here we are two months later. She decided to go ahead with chemotherapy and possible surgery. The effects of chemotherapy have taken their toll, robbing her of her hair and dropping her white blood cell count.  With 3 chemotherapy sessions left we are approaching the big question…have the tumors shrunk enough that surgery is an option? Time will tell as we continue to ride this emotional roller coaster.  Fuck cancer. 

Genetic testing has been like this fly buzzing in our ears for years. Doctors constantly asking us if we have been tested for the BRCA mutations. The answer was always the same…No. I didn’t want to know. I thought of it as this cloud hanging over my head. And then I had a child and then my mom got ovarian cancer.

I thought well crap ovarian AND breast cancer maybe this is a BRCA mutation.  And then I started to look at it a different way. We could use this knowledge. If my mom does have the gene I will be tested. And if I test positive they will watch me and catch things early and whatever. So in 3 weeks we will know.  In 3 weeks we will have the answer to the question we have been asking ourselves for years and it feels very strange.

It’s 1145am. My mom should be seeing her doctor right now. And I’m just sitting here trying to eat lunch. Waiting on a phone call. What did he say? What does he think? We think she’s making progress. We think it’s getting better. But we’re not doctors. We are just people hoping there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. I despise this. This just sitting and waiting. So I’ll just sit here and read celebrity Twitter feeds and housewife blogs and hope that there’s nothing unexpected. 

Two weeks ago I went to go see Bad Moms in the theatre with my friends. Julian had just started daycare the day before and I had just driven my mom to chemo that day.  The movie was totally relatable…moms just trying to keep their shit together. I get that. And it was hilarious. 

I am fine when talking about her cancer. I can give you facts and statistics and discuss whatever. Because when I do that I don’t feel like I’m talking about my mom. It’s almost like the scientific portion of my brain takes over and I’m just reciting something I read. 

My emotions were pretty high that day but I was keeping it together. As the movie continued I started to feel my emotions creep up and then it happened. The movie ended and I lost my shit. All the actresses were sitting on couches with their mothers discussing being moms and their mother daughter relationship. And when I say lost it I mean uncontrollable sobbing.  So I guess that’s just how it goes. Sometimes you just lose it at the end of a hilarious rated-R movie. 

Today was a day. It was chemo day. 4 more until a scan and maybe surgery. Found out she was anemic so she might need a blood transfusion. Which sounds pretty serious and then I remember she has cancer and all of this is pretty serious. And today I chopped off some of her hair.

I stood in the kitchen with scissors in hand and just cut her hair. The whole time it felt like an out of body experience. I still kind of feel like I’m in a fog. It has been almost 2 months and it still feels like how did we get here and at the same time it feels like we’ve been trapped here forever.

Saturday night I was flipping through the channels and I noticed Stepmom was on so I turned it on and watched the last hour of the movie.  I, of course, cried throughout the movie and then it got to the scene where they talk about the future and the daughter’s wedding day. The sadness that consumed the mother knowing she wouldn’t get to see her daughter get married. And it reminded me of something my mom said the day we found out she had ovarian cancer.

She told us how lucky she was. That if she had died from breast cancer 16 years ago she would have missed out on so much. She told us how grateful she was to get to see the 3 of us do so much and be there for us.  She had just gotten the news. I don’t even think she had an hour to digest it and she was already putting a positive spin on it.  She is amazing.

I work in the research institute portion of the hospital.  Sometimes I eat lunch in the main hospital where people are there visiting loved ones or are patients themselves.  Most days I don’t think about that.  I don’t pay attention to the fact that I’m surrounded by people that get bad news or are hoping their loved one is OK.  That was until I became a loved one.  Until I became a person walking around the hospital with her mom and getting food.  Now I’ve started to notice.

The other day I saw a woman crying and it broke my heart.  And then there was an elderly man sitting next to me calling either a friend or family member to describe chemotherapy to them.  And today I heard a woman telling her family that someone had lung cancer and that they couldn’t cure it.  That they could just sort of pause the cancer to extend his life.

When someone you love gets cancer your world kind of stops and you feel like you’re alone.  But I guess we’re not so special because I work in a place where everyone has their health issues and everyone is there looking for their miracle.

Yesterday my husband went to work out and when he got home my plan was to go to boxing.  As I sat there waiting for the time to pass and get ready to go I realized that’s not how I wanted to spend my time.  I felt this urge to go to my parents house.  So that’s what I did.  I skipped boxing and spent the hour sitting in my parent’s backyard with my mom and dad.  And I felt guilty for skipping boxing because I had already paid for the month and have barely gone.  And then another thought popped in my head I don’t know how long I will have a chance to do this.  Of course this thought is intensified because of my mom’s cancer but it could be true for all of us.

So much of my time I live in fear.  What if this happens or what if that happens.  So much time wasted living in my own head.  I’ve just started to try to make it my mission to actually live.  I want to enjoy something in everyday.  I want to do the things that truly make me happy.  So last night I sat with my parents in their backyard and I am truly glad I did.

Growing up my mom did all the grocery shopping. When she got diagnosed with breast cancer she needed to undergo multiple surgeries. One of the limitations of her surgeries is that she couldn’t lift anything for about 6 weeks so my dad started doing the grocery shopping. While my dad did his best he would come home with things like cocoa dots. After we all gave him a hard time I volunteered to go grocery shopping with him to make sure he got the right stuff.

I was in 8th grade and while my friends were on dates or hanging out on a Friday night I was at the grocery store with my dad. And I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. My dad is the most organized person I know so after time he started making a very accurate shopping list. It was organized in the layout of the store, contained items we would regularly request and had a space for us to mark the quantity if it was something we wanted that week.

When we got to the store he would send me to go get an item off the list and I would pick up a few randoms things for myself along the way. I would look at him when I got back to the cart and he would just smile at me as I placed the stuff that wasn’t on the list in the cart. I would always snag a magazine (Cosmo Girl or Seventeen). I loved going grocery shopping with my dad.

Now that I’m a mom I love going grocery shopping with my son. We go to Target together and it’s our special time. I love going up and down the aisles with him and watch him get so excited. I’ve never seen anyone so excited to get yogurt. I know he won’t always want to spend time with me when he’s older but I am loving that I get to carry on the shopping tradition with my sweet boy.