2016 was hard. 2016 was the most challenging year of my life thus far. So I am totally on the see ya later 2016 bandwagon. It’s not like at the stroke of midnight there will be a clean slate and there is no guarantee 2017 will be a cake walk. But 2016 will forever be the year my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. 

In the past my New Year’s resolutions have included healthy eating or the typical working out. And naturally every year I don’t keep up with them. So I have decided to take a more mental approach to my resolutions. In 2017 I’m going to expand my mind. 

So here we have it. My attainable goals for 2017. Some of these are things I’ve already begun in 2016 but I’d like them to continue.

• I’m going to read. I just discovered that I really like reading. I’ve already completed two books in the last two month and I’m working on the third and have ordered my fourth. I want my work locker full of books by the time 2017 ends. 
• I’m going to write more. If I’m not writing on the blog I will be writing in my journal. I’ve found it really helps when I’m stressed out. 
• I’m going to put down my phone. This is a big one. After I’ve checked Facebook or my email for the tenth time in a five minute span I sometimes think what are you doing, there’s nothing new there, look around you. So I am going to have some self control because it sometimes makes me feel like a zombie. 
• Start doing yoga. This one might be setting myself up for failure. I love the idea of yoga. I like the deep breaths and calmness and that it’s considered excercise. I just can’t seem to sit down and do it. But I would like to start doing yoga once a week. 

So there ya have it. These are my 2017 goals. These are the things that I would like to introduce into my life and maybe by having them written down I will stick with them. So farewell 2016, it’s been real.

18 years ago I took a shower and when I got out my Papa Joe was gone. It was winter break from school and we had been traveling back and forth between where my grandparents lived and home. We had come home that day and mom stayed behind to be at the hospital with my grandpa and my aunt.  My mom called to tell my dad and then my dad broke the news to the three of us that our grandfather had died and then we watched a magic show on tv in my parents’ bed.

I had a rough time at the funeral. I remember kind of hyperventilating while crying. And I remember my cousin who was 6 at the time handing me a nickel to help me stop crying. I think I may still have that nickel somewhere at my parents’ house. There was the wake and the next day we would come back and say our final goodbyes and then proceed to the funeral. When we left the wake my brother who was 6 at the time looked into the casket and said “see you tomorrow grandpa”. My mom’s first cousins created a circle of love and that night we all sat at my grandparents’ house and watched old videos and hung out. It was a sad time but there was so much love.

After he died I wrote down a bunch of things I remembered about him that I didn’t want to forget. Sadly I think I’ve lost that notebook but I vaguely remember some of the things I wrote down. I remember one of our last interactions when he was still able to walk around on his own. I was sitting in the kitchen and he walked past and said “that’s my girl eating her mac and cheese”. He would push me around in a laundry basket. He wanted to teach me to polka dance and I regretfully never let him.  He always made sure I had Papa’s cheese. I have no clue what kind of cheese it was and I have yet to come across it in the 18 years since he’s been gone.  So today on my drive home I will crank up some Frank Sinatra and reflect on the time I spent with my Papa Joe.

On my drive into work this morning they said on the radio that Merriam-Webster’s word of the year is “surreal”. And I thought “yup, sounds about right”. 

As this year is coming to a close I have been doing some reflecting. As we approach Christmas I have been doing A LOT of reflecting. Because on December 24 it will be 6 months since my mom’s diagnosis. And on December 25 it will be 6 months since I sat in a hospital room while a perky doctor told us without chemotherapy and surgery my mom would have about 6 months to live. 

And on that day in June I came home and quietly cried to my husband while my son took a nap. I looked at him and said 6 months from today is Christmas and he gave me a sympathetic look and said “I know”.  I remember that moment so vividly and yet it feels unreal. 

Sunday we made Christmas cookies and Thursday we will make a gingerbread house like we always do. And in the past 6 months anything we have done like we always do is held incredibly close to my heart. I just take mental snapshots and just think I want to remember how these moments feel. These traditional moments that we have done for years that now feel even more important and special. 

In June I was angry and bitter and it wasn’t just one thing. It wasn’t why her, why our family. It was the world around me crumbled and everything I knew was gone. And slowly over the past 6 months I have tried to just find joy and appreciation. Because I am well aware of how these past 6 months could have gone. So while I still get scared about her levels and the effects of chemotherapy week to week…I can’t help but have a deep appreciation for all the gifts we have been given this year in spite of her diagnosis. So ya surreal is a really good way to describe my 2016.  

I show up to my parent’s house about an hour and a half before her appointment. We chat about the most recent episode of housewives or another tv show we have in common and then we hit the road. We park on the same level every time because it has the bridge to the hospital and somehow we manage to always find a spot. We hit up the restroom and then we head to the office and she gets her bracelet and we sit and wait for them to call her name. She weighs in and we get her pod assignment and then we part ways. 

Today it was a familiar face greeting us in the waiting room. It was my favorite nurse. While I’ve only taken her to 4 chemos I have a favorite nurse. She knows that once mom is seated I leave immediately to go get food because I can’t be there when they access her port for her blood draw. Because there’s a decent chance I would pass out and that may cause a bit of commotion. So I go down to the atrium and get her two bottles of water and look for a snack for myself. 

By the time I get back they already have the results of her blood draw. She rattles off the numbers to me and we analyze them thoroughly. And then the nurse tolerates our questions. Why would this one go up? Why is this one down? How concerned should we be about germs? And then we look back at previous numbers to see if there are any trends. And eventually her benadryl kicks in and she takes a brief nap. I watch tv on my phone or play pyramid solitaire and then mom and I chat when she wakes up. It’s our routine. It’s our chemo routine and it’s a routine I’d never imagine us having but I’m glad we get to spend this time together. 

Thanksgiving was normal.  I woke up and watched the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade and Julian freaked out (in a good way) over every balloon or float he saw with a character he recognized.  We went to my parents and ate Thanksgiving dinner like we normally do.  And then Friday morning I woke up and watched 6 straight hours of Gilmore Girls.  This is going to sound totally cheesy but I told my sister while watching it was like hanging out with an old friend and completely comforting. Saturday we went to my in-laws to celebrate Thanksgiving and then Sunday we went to my parents to celebrate my birthday.  When we got to my parents the house was covered inside and out with Christmas decorations.  My mom had decorated 4 trees.  Julian’s reaction was less than I expected.  He honestly was more excited about Halloween.

And now it’s over and as it got later into Sunday evening I could feel a bit of anxiety creeping in.  Today is a double dose of chemotherapy.  Its the start of cycle 2.  Two of six cylces, 14 more weeks of chemo after today. Last week Julian had a runny nose and we told him he couldn’t hug Mimi (because of that whole chemo destroying the immune system thing) and he says, “Oh, I can’t hug Mimi because she has a little bit of cancer” and we just laughed because it was just so sweet.

Over the past (almost) 5 months cancer has taken over our lives.  My mom is so much more than her cancer, it does not define her.  And I feel like too often our loved ones leave us before knowing how we feel about them.  So as we celebrate another year, mom this one is for you:

56 years ago today my mother was born and my grandma’s tailbone injured her lung and she was put in the NICU. So ya she came out a fighter.

While we were growing up in the cul-de-sac she was a stay at home mom which meant she looked out for all the kids in the neighborhood and wasn’t afraid to chase after a car going too fast with a newspaper. She’s a protector. You could find her sitting outside in a lawn chair on a nice day, even during winter she just wraps up in a warm blanket.

She’s not afraid to get her hands dirty pulling weeds or cutting the grass. There was once a railing that separated the kitchen from the family room in my parent’s house. That railing no longer exists because one day while my dad was at work my mom removed it. Speaking of the house she has a real eye for detail and every room looks like something out of a catalog. And she’s on a first name basis with the woman that works at Home Goods.

She should’ve been an event decorator.  She would get big tents for our graduation parties and rent linens and have fresh flowers.  She did all the centerpieces for mine and my sister’s showers.  And she did the bouquets, table arrangements and all the decorations for both of our weddings.  And they were beautiful.

The holidays are magical. She does 6 weeks of Halloween, decorations inside and out.  Christmas music starts in November and the Christmas decorations go up the day after Thanksgiving like clockwork.  She now has the 3 trees.  In the sunroom is the “kids” tree which we will decorate this year and she will probably ask us to move ornaments around.

She is spontaneous.  There have many trips that have been planned at the last minute.  November 2001 we were watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade at my grandma’s house and the next day we were walking the streets of New York City.

She changes the radio station a lot and it takes her a while to find a song she likes.

She’s always the last to get in the car.  I never understood this before I was a mother.  The four of us would be sitting in the car waiting for her ready to go somewhere.  I get it now though. When you’re the mom you have to make sure the house is in order before you lock it up and leave.

She’s always there to push us even when we don’t want to necessarily hear it. And now that I think of it I don’t remember her telling us “I told you so” when she was right and we fought her on it. She’s the reason I went away to college. She knew I needed to get away and grow as a person. And she was there everyday on the phone when I would cry about how hard my classes were.

Family is everything to her.  She has always wanted the three of us to be close and I think she succeeded with that.  She wants to make sure that we will always be there to look out for one another. Be nice to your sister was something I was often told.  She has always encouraged us to go to everything.  If a family member is having any sort of celebration we went because that’s what family does.  They show up for one another and she taught us that.

And lastly she is the toughest person I know.  There have been days where I absolutely have no idea how she does it.  But she just keeps fighting and her strength gives us strength.

I love you mom and thank you for shaping my life in the way you have.

Today my mom drove her car and went to the grocery store. To some it may sound crazy that this is a big deal but my mom has not driven a car in 6 weeks. She wasn’t allowed, she wasn’t allowed to do anything because of surgery. But today she went to the grocery store and she shopped for things for Thanksgiving dinner. She bought the special dinner rolls I like and smokey cheddar cheese that she warned my brother not to eat before Thanksgiving. Yesterday she had chemo and I know tomorrow she will probably feel like garbage but today she got to go to the grocery store and be a person and for that I am thankful.

Today my brother got tested to see if he has the BRCA2 gene mutation.  Today I sat in the waiting room with my brother as we have done many times since June.  The only difference is that he was the patient and I was there to help him out with any questions the genetic counselor may ask.  This is my third time going to the genetic counselor within a 3 month span.  I mean I feel like I could practically run the appointment myself.  It’s always a fun time (sarcasm) at the genetic counselor, discussing our family history of cancer and talking about the grandparents we have lost. There was only one question that tripped us up….how old is your sister?  We both looked each other and replied 27? (Sorry Lex).  And now we wait to see if he has the BRCA2 gene mutation and we just pray that he doesn’t.

Meanwhile my dad and mom are over at a different hospital while she gets her double dose of chemo. Today is Day 1 of Cylce 1 for this course.  The point of chemo the first time around was to shrink the tumors in order to do surgery.  Because she was able to have surgery the point of chemo this time is to kill any tiny cells that could’ve been left behind after surgery. While today feels like a major day, at the same time it feels like a normal day.  It just feels like this is what we do now.

**UPDATE** On November 9, my brother received the call that he does not have the BRCA2 gene mutation

This post has nothing to do with my mom’s cancer and everything to do with the fact that the Cleveland Indians are playing in game 1 of the World Series tonight. 

• In the 90s my siblings and I would go decked out to the game. Lex and I rocked chief wahoo earrings and all 3 of us wore tattoos
• For some games we were lucky enough to sit behind home plate with dad
• At Ground Round they would serve ice cream in bowls shaped like miny batting helmets with Chief Wahoo on the front. I would put it on Fluffy while I watched the games (my most cherished possession, a rabbit puffalump)
• There was one time when my parents decided to surprise us and take us to a game. We met up with my Aunt and Uncle and we all sat in the bleachers. At one point I thought everyone around me was booing. Turned out they were all just saying Juuuuliooooo
• I remember two specific times when my dad and I just went to the game. One time we were in nosebleed seats and my dad bought me cracker jacks. The other we were sitting under an overhang and surrounded by family members of the opposing team
• My grandma, papa, dad, uncle and I all went on a tour of Jacob’s Field. During this tour my dad let me hold the camera and I learned a valuable lesson. Film can’t be exposed to light. I played with the back of the camera and ruined all of our vacation photos from Hilton Head that year
• Whenever the game was on at my grandparent’s there wasn’t any sound because my grandma didn’t like listening to the announcers
• My dad and I went to a lunch with a select number of Indians players. It included Coco Crisp. And my dad had a brief talk with Eric Wedge
• My favorite player of all time was Sandy Alomar
• I attended an ALDS playoff game in 97′. I remember Sandy Alomar hit a home run and I caught a silver streamer at the end of the game. I think it’s still in a box under my bed at my parents
• I remember two distinct things my Grandma Dar said one of the last times I saw her before she died. One was that my grandpa met a very nice young man at my parents house (she was referring to my then boyfriend who is now my husband). The other thing was her watching tv and talking about CC Sabathia leaving the Indians and going to the Yankees

So there is my walk down memory lane with the Cleveland Indians. The Indians will always make me think of my Grandma Dar and time well spent with my dad. Go Tribe!