Surreal

On my drive into work this morning they said on the radio that Merriam-Webster’s word of the year is “surreal”. And I thought “yup, sounds about right”. 

As this year is coming to a close I have been doing some reflecting. As we approach Christmas I have been doing A LOT of reflecting. Because on December 24 it will be 6 months since my mom’s diagnosis. And on December 25 it will be 6 months since I sat in a hospital room while a perky doctor told us without chemotherapy and surgery my mom would have about 6 months to live. 

And on that day in June I came home and quietly cried to my husband while my son took a nap. I looked at him and said 6 months from today is Christmas and he gave me a sympathetic look and said “I know”.  I remember that moment so vividly and yet it feels unreal. 

Sunday we made Christmas cookies and Thursday we will make a gingerbread house like we always do. And in the past 6 months anything we have done like we always do is held incredibly close to my heart. I just take mental snapshots and just think I want to remember how these moments feel. These traditional moments that we have done for years that now feel even more important and special. 

In June I was angry and bitter and it wasn’t just one thing. It wasn’t why her, why our family. It was the world around me crumbled and everything I knew was gone. And slowly over the past 6 months I have tried to just find joy and appreciation. Because I am well aware of how these past 6 months could have gone. So while I still get scared about her levels and the effects of chemotherapy week to week…I can’t help but have a deep appreciation for all the gifts we have been given this year in spite of her diagnosis. So ya surreal is a really good way to describe my 2016.  

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