I’ve written 5 blog posts within the past week that are just sitting in my drafts. They are all versions of the same. Something happens and I miss my mom. Julian lost a tooth, Jaxon is taking steps and Brandon has a new song out and about a million other things we want to tell her. Julian tells me she knows and she sees it all. He is a wise 6 year old and his kind heart is his saving grace when we are arguing about schoolwork. And that reminds me of mom. Everyday the last couple weeks of her life I would leave to go do schoolwork with Julian. And when I would get back she would ask how it went (not well). And she would smile and say “he’s just like your brother” and go back to sleep.
Everyday is about the same. Moments where I’m busy and I forget. And then moments where I’m sad and I remember. And then there is nighttime. Like it’s 1:15am and that’s when I write. Because I can’t sleep. Because I just sit here and think “I can’t believe she’s gone”. And I really can’t. I sit here and think of how permanent this is. And that when I go to the house tomorrow she still isn’t going to be there. And it’s just the strangest thing.