I’m Lost

I’m lost. I’m lost in two different ways. My therapist once told me that a piece of me would die when my mom died. And this is true. There is a hole in my heart. But there is also a hole in my brain.

I spent nearly 4 years worrying about her. Worrying about whether chemo was working and blood counts and surgery and whether she would and when she would die. And now she’s gone. And there’s this hole in my brain that was occupied with this constant worrying and it doesn’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do.

The last few weeks of her life were truly heartbreaking. To watch the strongest person you know lose every last bit of their independence is devastating. She was a lawn mowing, room painting, remove a railing while her husband was at work force of nature. And to watch her frustration as she couldn’t take a sip of water was devastating. And the mental aspect became just as hard as she didn’t know the word for water or even at points that it was me sitting with her.

So yes, when I write those things or say those things I am relieved for her that she is no longer suffering. I’m just not quite sure what to do.

I read our old texts. And I read our family group texts. As I do I can hear voice. And it makes me smile and it makes me laugh because she was funny. And I’m sharing all of this because I know I’m not alone in feeling this way. And I know if she could she would be texting me and say maybe you should try writing a blog like she had so many times before.

8 thoughts on “I’m Lost

  1. Tony C says:

    I wish there was a miracle drug for you and your family to take and make all your pain go away.. She’s looking down on all of you saying DAM what great loving family I raised. She’s so very proud of all of you.

    Like

  2. Thomas Kunkel says:

    Sigh. Take care of you and those closest to you, as you always have. Your Mom’s work is finished but her love for you all lives on.

    Like

    • aburtsch says:

      Thank you so much. And it’s funny you say that. Because she left us a final note with almost those exact same words telling us that she expected us all to live our lives as we have been as good people who care and take care of others.

      She loved you all so very much!

      Like

  3. Debbie Holy says:

    that is the truly difficult part of loss from cancer. it is all consuming when mom was here and you could talk with her, worry with her, get thru every step with her and it all just stops abruptly. To love greatly is to grieve greatly. they go hand in hand. Thinking of you. Start a new routine that honors your mom. all the things that she taught you about what a mother is. She is always in your heart and head. We just wish still here ❤

    Like

  4. Darla says:

    Ashley
    You have blessed many with your blog…you put words to what others feel so deeply but unable to put into wotds. Prayers for all of you for healing and peace

    Like

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