Last night my mom called me.  Last night I thought as we were on the phone fuck there is going to be a day where my phone won’t ring anymore and say mom.  And then I went back to listening to what she had to say because I can’t give any more of my time to that thought.  Because if I really think about that and what all of this means it is unbearable.  I had another moment like this during the 4th of July weekend right after we found out.  We were at the drive in and sitting in the back of the SUV just talking.  Chemo hadn’t started, we had only known for a week.  And I just looked at her and thought there is going to be a day when I can’t do this.  I know that all this could work and she could have some good years ahead.  But I also know none of us live forever.  So there will be a time when we will say goodbye. 
I told her the other day she could live til 80 and I would still be devastated because she is my mom.  She is the one I talk to about the big and little things.  She is the one that keeps me in check.  I’m almost 30 and she asks me if I’m doing my laundry because she knows I’m a messy slob. No matter how many times I tell her I’m a grown up she still pushes me because she knows I’m capable of more even if it just means a clean house. She is the one I talk about reality shows with.  My sister doesn’t watch the housewives but my mom does.  So I can go over my parents and we will both be like ok did you watch orange county last night and then we will discuss every ones behavior.  So ya I can’t devote more than a moment to these thoughts because it just totally and completely sucks.