Six Months

It has been six months since mom died. I have cooked, I have arranged flowers, I have obsessively painted my nails and then anxiously peeled the polish off. I have laughed. I have felt numb. I have felt the unbearable weight of my grief.

I have reread text messages just to feel like we are having a conversation again. Moms go to phrase was “ok honey” and I have texts on my phone dating back to July 2018 so I simply type “ok honey” into the search bar and pick a date and go back in time.

I now listen to yoga nidra guided meditation every night to relax and fall asleep and thankfully it works even if I need to work through it twice.

I have recounted her death so many times to really anyone who listens (apologies to anyone who had to suffer through it) but I feel like it’s what my brain needs in the moment so thank you to anyone who has listened to me tell it.

I miss her everyday and the degree of which I miss her changes. Somedays I’m doing so well that in that moment I feel something might be wrong with me and then sure enough with time the major wave of grief crashes. I know everyone’s grief looks different but this is a snapshot of what mine has looked like these past 6 months. With cancer it was a rollercoaster but there was always opportunity for change so the permanence of all of this weighs heavy.

I am thankful for my sweet Julian who has helped me more than he will ever realize. And I am thankful for my dad, lex and B and all the people that have shown us so much love.

One thought on “Six Months

  1. ROBIN A HONARD says:

    How you miss her will continue to change as your life moves on but you will be reminded, sometimes in the most unexpected ways, that you do miss her. That ache is your bond with her. Enjoy your life and the people you love, I know that is what she wishes for you.

    Like

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