I work in the research institute portion of the hospital.  Sometimes I eat lunch in the main hospital where people are there visiting loved ones or are patients themselves.  Most days I don’t think about that.  I don’t pay attention to the fact that I’m surrounded by people that get bad news or are hoping their loved one is OK.  That was until I became a loved one.  Until I became a person walking around the hospital with her mom and getting food.  Now I’ve started to notice.

The other day I saw a woman crying and it broke my heart.  And then there was an elderly man sitting next to me calling either a friend or family member to describe chemotherapy to them.  And today I heard a woman telling her family that someone had lung cancer and that they couldn’t cure it.  That they could just sort of pause the cancer to extend his life.

When someone you love gets cancer your world kind of stops and you feel like you’re alone.  But I guess we’re not so special because I work in a place where everyone has their health issues and everyone is there looking for their miracle.

Yesterday my husband went to work out and when he got home my plan was to go to boxing.  As I sat there waiting for the time to pass and get ready to go I realized that’s not how I wanted to spend my time.  I felt this urge to go to my parents house.  So that’s what I did.  I skipped boxing and spent the hour sitting in my parent’s backyard with my mom and dad.  And I felt guilty for skipping boxing because I had already paid for the month and have barely gone.  And then another thought popped in my head I don’t know how long I will have a chance to do this.  Of course this thought is intensified because of my mom’s cancer but it could be true for all of us.

So much of my time I live in fear.  What if this happens or what if that happens.  So much time wasted living in my own head.  I’ve just started to try to make it my mission to actually live.  I want to enjoy something in everyday.  I want to do the things that truly make me happy.  So last night I sat with my parents in their backyard and I am truly glad I did.

Growing up my mom did all the grocery shopping. When she got diagnosed with breast cancer she needed to undergo multiple surgeries. One of the limitations of her surgeries is that she couldn’t lift anything for about 6 weeks so my dad started doing the grocery shopping. While my dad did his best he would come home with things like cocoa dots. After we all gave him a hard time I volunteered to go grocery shopping with him to make sure he got the right stuff.

I was in 8th grade and while my friends were on dates or hanging out on a Friday night I was at the grocery store with my dad. And I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. My dad is the most organized person I know so after time he started making a very accurate shopping list. It was organized in the layout of the store, contained items we would regularly request and had a space for us to mark the quantity if it was something we wanted that week.

When we got to the store he would send me to go get an item off the list and I would pick up a few randoms things for myself along the way. I would look at him when I got back to the cart and he would just smile at me as I placed the stuff that wasn’t on the list in the cart. I would always snag a magazine (Cosmo Girl or Seventeen). I loved going grocery shopping with my dad.

Now that I’m a mom I love going grocery shopping with my son. We go to Target together and it’s our special time. I love going up and down the aisles with him and watch him get so excited. I’ve never seen anyone so excited to get yogurt. I know he won’t always want to spend time with me when he’s older but I am loving that I get to carry on the shopping tradition with my sweet boy.